The past month has been a very difficult one. Chris, Peter and I had the opportunity to fly out to spend the Christmas and New Year’s holidays with my family in Washington. I was so grateful to have a little time with my mom and dad. It has been hard being so far away while my mom was in the last stages of her illness, because all I wanted to do was be spend time with her and my dad help. Chris was so wonderful in helping take care of Peter and playing with him, so I was able to spend time with my parents during my mother’s last few days of life, and be of help in any small way that I could.
It was very touching to me to see the level of love and care that my father gave my mother every day, throughout the day and night. I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed greater love and service in my life, and I’m so happy to know that their love will continue on through the eternities. It has been comforting these past few years to know that she has had the best care she ever could receive.
We didn’t know exactly when Mom was going to go, because she kept having ups and downs. The night before she passed away, she had a really happy night, where she smiled a lot and seemed happier than I’ve seen her in a long time. It seemed a tender mercy of the Lord that her last evening was such a joyful one. The next day, my father and I were with her when she passed peacefully into the next life. I felt so fortunate to be able to be there when she passed, as I've been so far away for so long. It was more difficult than I anticipated to have to say goodbye. I grieved a lot early on when I first learned of her diagnosis, and so I thought I would have been past most of my grieving. But it felt like my grieving began all over again.
I grieve for the loss of such a wonderful mother. She was one of the most loving, talented, wise, and intelligent women I have ever known. Throughout my life, I knew I could always turn to my mother for anything. She was my best friend next to Chris. Before the illness took her ability to speak, she and I spoke on the phone several times a week about everything. She supported me always, through trials that I’ve been through, and celebrated with me during times of joy.
I loved to call her and talk about current events and politics, because she was always so well-informed and I always learned a lot from her. I think it was from her that I grew to love learning and desired to do my best in my studies. She was so encouraging and helped me to succeed in school and with music without pushing and shoving, without any negative reinforcement.
She always was such a wonderful example of spiritual strength and study. She was very knowledgeable about scripture and doctrine, because she spent so much time studying her scriptures and reading. And she lived her testimony of the gospel. I loved our conversations when we would talk about spiritual subjects, because I always gained such strength from her words and her testimony. She had such a ready faith and willingness to put her trust in Heavenly Father, and she has been such an important example to me.
My mother always loved to laugh and had a wonderful appreciation for humor and good fun. Our home was often a place of laughter, and I think one of my favorite memories was having all of us around the table and laughing together at dinner time.
She was multitalented as a calligrapher, cake decorator, singer, pianist, and an amazing cook.
She had such a generous and giving heart. And she loved being a mother. You could always tell that no one was more proud of her kids than Mom. There was nothing that she wouldn’t do for her children to promote our physical, mental, and spiritual growth. She loved her family, and it was clear that her greatest joy was to be with her husband, children, and grandchildren. She told me that one of the greatest moments of her life was to have all of her children with her in the temple when Chris and I got married. It was a very special day, and I remember how joyful my mother was.
If you ask any one of my siblings, we would all probably talk about how our mother instilled the knowledge that we are responsible for our own happiness. From a young age, I was very dramatic girl. I was prone to bouts of melodrama as a preteen, and I thank my mother for helping me out of that stage before my teenage years. She taught me that I was master of my own personal attitude. I could choose to be sulky and irritable, but it was a deliberate choice I was making; she taught me I could always choose to be happy instead. When things became stressful, I learned that I could choose to respond with calmness and an attitude of faith. These are certainly things that she practiced herself, and it has helped me through many, many hard times. Always through her own hard times, she was able to bear them with grace and acceptance, with faith and hope. Even to the end, she remained so positive and grateful for all the good things in her life.
It’s hard to talk about these qualities as separate from my father, because to me, I learned many of these things from him as well. Together, they made a wonderful team. They backed each other on everything. They also shared a great love for one another. It was nice to see growing up that my parents loved each other. They were not afraid to be affectionate in front of the kids, and it made me hope that someday I could find someone with whom I could share such an affection and love. I’m so glad that marriage does not end with death, and that they will be together again, because I can’t imagine a more beautiful union between two people.
One of the hardest things about her illness for me was that I couldn’t communicate my feelings to her. I couldn’t tell her how much I loved her and how much I was going to miss her, and how hard it was for me to see her go through the things she went through. I couldn’t say these things because I knew it would induce tears in both of us. Crying in a person with ALS causes extreme discomfort and pain, and even choking. So, I felt like I had to bottle up all the emotions and personal things that I was going through and deal with them apart from her. Many times I had to leave the room so that I could go and cry. But I didn’t feel like I could do it in front of her. Yes, I still told her I loved her, but I always tried to keep things light and happy. I hope she doesn’t feel I was callous or uncaring or shallow. I hope she knows how much I cared and that I was affected by her illness and the knowledge that I would lose her.
She passed away on the 29th of December, and on Tuesday, January 3, we had her funeral. It was such a beautiful service filled with wonderful talks by my Aunts Liz and Sylvia, Brian, Andrea, and Uncle Glen. The talks were interspersed with beautiful musical numbers by Dan, Brian, the grandkids, and all the siblings with a few grandkids. It was a little emotional, but at the end of the meeting, I felt so uplifted and light and joyful. It couldn't have been a more lovely day and a more perfect way to celebrate my mom.
I will miss her so much. I would have liked for her to meet all the children that I will have. I would have liked to be able to come to her for advice for years to come. I would have liked to continue to enjoy our close friendship. But then I remember that this is not the end—that this life is a small speck of our existence. I will see her again and I’m sure we will resume our friendship and relationship that we had on this earth. I’m grateful for the knowledge that we have of the plan of salvation and for all that our Savior has done for us to take away the sting of death and make our families eternal.
1 comment:
What a wonderful heartfelt entry, I never knew your mom very well but I feel that I know her a little just from the awesome person you are :-)
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