Welcome Elly!

Little Elly right after birth.  See her squished little nose.  And for some reason, it looks like she's got really dark huge eyebrows.  But this is just a shadow from her brow, not actual eyebrows, which were barely visible at birth.

Now that Elly's over a month old, it's probably time I updated the blog.  First things first: the birth story.  And I don't know how to be brief, so this is a long one. 

             It was a different experience bringing Elly into this world from my experience with Peter.  This time around, I was ready for her to come.  I couldn’t wait to meet her and I prepared myself for her arrival, so all I was doing was waiting. 

            By 37 weeks, I had a prenatal appointment, and Elly’s measurements had not changed from one week to the next.  So, the midwife ordered an ultrasound.  This was exactly what precipitated all the nonsense with Peter’s arrival with the doctors wanting to induce me.  So, I was very fearful and frustrated by the potential that this might happen with Elly.  All I wanted was to go into labor naturally and have as relaxed a birth as possible. 

            After much consideration, I decided to go ahead and schedule the ultrasound.  But the offices were so booked, that they couldn’t see me until after my next prenatal appointment.  I felt at peace that Elly was all right and that I needn’t worry.

            At my 38 week appointment, she measured another inch in growth, which was encouraging.  However, my midwife still wanted me to keep the appointment for the ultrasound.  I was a little annoyed, and a little anxious.  I really wanted Elly to come before I had that ultrasound appointment.  I tried to get lots of good exercise to get this little girl to arrive.  I even climbed a very tall tower at Gettysburg hoping to get labor going, but it was not to be.

            As it turns out, I went in to labor at 39 weeks—two days before my ultrasound appointment, so I felt very blessed.  Up until I actually went into labor, I had had a few episodes of false labor.  I didn’t actually go to the hospital, but I thought I might on a few occasions where I had regular contractions.  I think my false labor episodes were part of the reason that I was so anxious for her to come and part of my anxiety was that I wanted her to be as early as Peter was (38 weeks).  The day that I went into labor, I actually decided to stop driving myself crazy with anxiety and just patiently wait for her to come.  Typical that I wouldn’t calm myself down until right before the big event! 

On April 23^rd, Dad and I took Peter to the mall.  I remember having some stronger contractions while I was having to chase after Peter.  Not so easy to run after a toddler during a contraction, it turns out.  Later that night after we put Peter to bed, we were all sitting down to watch an episode of “Missing” on ABC.  I started to feel some painful contractions in my back, just like I felt with Peter.  And they were coming every 5-6 minutes or so.  I got to the point where I had to use the exercise ball and counter pressure to make me more comfortable during contractions.  Dad and Chris both thought it would be a good idea to get ready to go to the hospital.  I agreed, although I kind of felt like this was probably another false alarm.  When I started to get things packed, then the contractions started to kick into high gear.  The more active I was, the faster they came, coming every 3 minutes, and they were continuing to grow in intensity.  I recall thinking, “This better be the real thing this time, because this is uncomfortable!”

I called the midwife on the way to the hospital and talked to her in the middle of a contraction.  We finally got there at 11:15.  That late at night, no one was walking about.  While Chris was parking the car, I was making my way to the third floor of the hospital, not stopping for contractions, even though they got more and more uncomfortable. 

I made it to the desk of the birth unit, and they had me fill out a bunch of papers.  Not such fun while I was having contractions!  I think I had about 3 of them during the time it took me to fill out all the papers, even though there were only two pages to sign. 

Chris came in and met me with all our bags.  A nurse came to meet us and took us back to telemetry.  I put on a hospital gown and slippers and they hooked me up to a monitor to see how Elly was doing and to see how far apart my contractions were.  I was only supposed to be monitored for 20 minutes, but because Elly was so still and sleeping, they wanted to monitor her when she was more active.  So they had me drink some apple juice and lay down for an additional 10 minutes.  Again, not fun during contractions, especially when I had back labor!  They slowed to about 4 to 5 minutes apart, but the intensity did not let up.  And every time I would get up and move around, I would get another contraction, no matter when the last one had come. 

Eventually my midwife showed up and checked my progress.  Only 4 cm!  All that pain and only 4 cm!  I was so discouraged because when I was in labor with Peter, I was at 4 cm before I even realized I was in labor.  And Peter came a full 18 hours later after I was 4 cm, so I was worried that I’d be in a lot of discomfort for a long time with Elly too. 

They gave me a hep-lock IV for antibiotics for Group B Strep right before they let me get up to move around.  Once I got up, the contractions kicked into high gear, getting closer together and stronger.  I had one really hard one and thought I wasn’t going to be able to endure hours and hours of that.  And I was shocked it was so uncomfortable when I was only at 4 cm.  During a painful contraction in the beginning, my midwife instructed me to let myself relax into the contraction and to let my legs relax apart and knees bend.  I had been a bit tense up to that point, so it was a good reminder to relax. 

My midwife asked if I wanted to get into the shower to relax, and I thought that sounded great because I was so uncomfortable.  Chris gave me counter pressure every time I had a contraction, which was a life saver.  Even though he was getting wet from the spray of the shower, he still faithfully gave me counter pressure when I needed it.  For the time I was in the shower, I leaned over for each contraction and tried to surrender to the contraction and just let myself experience it.  I didn’t want to get in the way of my progress. I also found that vocalizing was a huge help to me.  I felt like I needed to release something, and vocalizing was a way for me to let myself release.  I also remembered Ina May talking about the mind/body connection in her book and how many women were able to cause their own dilation by visualization.  So I tried to do this with all my might.  When I was able to fully relax into each painful contraction, I tried to imagine her dropping and myself dilating.  And maybe I’m crazy, but I felt like I could actually feel her getting lower and myself dilating.  And I also noticed that when I started to fear the pain, I didn’t feel any progression, and the next contraction was farther apart and less intense.  So, I really tried to double my efforts to relax, even though it was getting so intense. 

I was probably in the shower for less than an hour.  I remember really hoping that I was close to transition, because I was so uncomfortable.  But then I realized that I was only 4 cm an hour prior to being in the shower, and how could I possibly be in transition in such a short time?  I also remember thinking that I still had it together, so that I must not have been in transition yet.  I also could still talk to Chris to some degree, if only to ask for counter pressure.  When I was in transition with Peter, I was so out of it with exhaustion and pain that I think I zoned out for a while.  So, for all these reasons, I thought I probably wasn’t in transition yet, even though I was really in a lot of pain and discomfort.

However, at the end of the shower, I felt like I was getting a punch to the gut sensation at the end of my vocalization breaths.  My body was pushing by itself without intentional effort from me.  And I felt a lot of pressure.  I told Chris I felt pressure and that I was feeling pushing impulses.  He didn’t say much but informed the midwife.  Later he told me thought I was a little crazy and that I couldn’t possibly be to that point.  Lucky for both of us he didn’t say these words to me.  J

I vaguely remember drying off and heading to the hospital bed.  The midwife checked me and I was at 9 cm.  From 4 to 9 in less than two hours, hooray!  She asked me if I wanted to lie on the bed.  I lay on the bed in-between a contraction for a minute, but as soon as the next contraction came, I flipped onto hands and knees so that Chris could give me counter pressure.  And the urges to push got stronger and stronger.  I remember that I was barely aware of the midwives getting things ready for Elly’s arrival because I was focusing on the contractions.  And then I remember my midwife telling me to go ahead and push, which seemed only a few minutes after she told me I was at 9 cm.  So I started pushing at 1:42am, when my water broke.  I asked my midwife if she wanted me to get into another position, and she told me to push in whatever position felt right to me.  So, I stayed on hands and knees. 

I felt so different pushing this time than with Peter.  I felt so out of control with Peter, like the pushes were controlling me and overwhelming my body.  I was also completely exhausted with Peter because I had been at the hospital for 18 hours of continuous labor.  In labor with Elly, I still had energy as I began to push.  The midwife directed my pushing and helped me to back off and deliver Elly gradually. I felt completely in control and energized that I would meet our little girl so soon.  Chris told me later that once her head was born, they discovered the cord wrapped around her neck.  So the midwife quickly unwrapped the cord and I pushed her the rest of the way out.  She was born at 1:52am, with only 10 minutes of pushing.  I felt so relieved and felt that adrenaline and endorphin spike.  I was so happy and energized! 

I was a little disappointed that they didn’t let me take Elly right away.  She had some meconium staining when she was born, so they took her to monitor her breathing, which was a tiny bit labored as she tried to clear her lungs a little.  The nurse paged a doctor to come and look at her since there was meconium present in the fluids.  The doctor told me I couldn’t nurse her until he came back and checked on her.  I was a little frustrated and anxious because I didn’t want to disrupt our nursing or get off to a bad start, but I still felt pretty good and excited.  Chris stayed with Elly through her monitoring and through her evaluation and APGAR scoring (8). Elly weighed in at 7 lbs. even, and was 19.5 inches long.  Just a tad bigger than Peter's 6 lbs. 8 oz., and 19 inches. 

Chris mentioned that Elly looked exactly like Peter.  When I finally got to hold her, about half an hour after she was born, I thought she looked nothing like Peter, but looked like her own little person.  She had a squished nose for some reason, but the doctor assured us it was nothing to worry about.  But she was still a little cutie to me.  She was quite perturbed not to be able to nurse, and I was getting irritated that the doctor took an extra half hour to come back and give me the okay.  Elly’s lungs cleared quickly and she seemed fine.  She nursed very enthusiastically from the first, and has been a champion nurser ever since. 

I felt a little shocked that she was born so quickly and so easily.  I told Chris I didn’t feel like I had paid my dues to bring her into this world.  Even though I gave birth naturally, the pain was manageable through concentration and surrendering my will and body to the contractions.  And the high that I got after she was born felt so good after all that pain.  It was just a completely sublime experience and I feel so blessed to have gone through it so easily.    

A little dye and a new carseat

 

So, I felt kind of bad about Elly having a blue carseat. We didn't want to buy a new one when we had a perfectly good one still, so I thought I'd wander over to Michael's and bye some pink dye. So the result is a brown, pink, and purple carseat. It turned out better than I thought it would. So, it's like we got a new carseat for $3.99! Wahoo!  See this post for what the carseat used to look like: http://www.laytonfamiglia.blogspot.com/2010/10/two-months.html
 

Peter

Poor Peter hasn't had many pictures taken of him.  Such a shame, as he is a little cutie!  He is growing so fast and continuing to be sweet, smart, and active.  Although I haven't gotten pictures of any of our outings, we do try to go on a walk or go to a park every day.  He really needs this time, as he is so active.  He LOVES being outside.  He also continues to love reading, and we spend a lot of time reading every day as well. 

 Here is an eighteen month picture.  He always tries to get ahold of the camera lately, so all the pictures are fairly close up.  He had a good checkup at the doctor for eighteen months.  The doctor said he is pretty advanced with speaking still.  His weight is in the 69%, height in the 90%, and head circumference in the 79%.  So, he's a big kid still too. 

 I think these are 19 month pictures, but not positive.  One of my favorite things he said during this month was when we were having dinner.  Peter and I started eating early, as Chris came home a little late from work.  As Chris sat down with us at the table with his plate of food, he quietly said a prayer on his food.  Peter announced while Chris was praying, "Momma forgot to say the prayer."  Which was true, I am embarrassed to admit.  Peter and I had been eating food that wasn't blessed, and he picked up on it when he saw Chris praying over his food.  I was sort of hoping that I wouldn't have to admit that I forgot, but I love that my little boy keeps me honest!  And it was a little crazy that he was able to say that at 19 months too...Chris and I were both a little shocked.  Since then, he has been saying a few sentences here and there.  But a lot of the time he speaks in fragmented speech. 

 Peter loves time with his daddy.  We are teaching him primary songs, and one of his very favorites is Daddy's Homecoming, of course.  They are two peas in a pod. 

 Peter is also working on counting.  He enjoys counting the stairs.  I have heard him count from 6 to 13, but never starting at 1.  Although he knows what comes after each number because Chris and I will count and ask what number comes next.  But he doesn't seem to like to do it on his own yet. 

Peter with his new haircut.  I miss his other hair, but it was getting out of control.  Peter wasn't being patient for the scissors this time around (but at least no tears!), so a buzz cut it was!

Lately, Peter is also working on learning colors.  He is funny.  Sometimes he will get them, and sometimes not.  He is most accurate with colors of his mega blocks and cars.  But then other things, he doesn't seem to care or try.  His go-to colors are usually red, then blue, then orange.  If it's not one of those, he usually stops trying.  I'm not sure if he's trying to be funny or if he just doesn't care to be accurate right now.  But at least he's getting it some of the time. 

Another thing that Peter does often is to ask us to repeat things.  This is happening incessantly lately.  It seems that everything we say, he thinks is hilarious and wants us to repeat it.  So he'll say, "Again!"  And then he'll go on chanting whatever it was we were saying that amused him.  Today, for example, he has been running around chanting, "Indeed," and "I concur!"  Oh, what a little silly!!  I think the above photo showcases his sometimes goofy personality.  We love our little boy!!

Another of our favorite things of his is that he will say, "You know what?"  And then when we respond, "What?" he says, "I love you."  He is good at melting his momma's heart.  Such a sweetie! 

As for behavior, he is testing his limits right now quite a bit.  We have started giving him time-outs, to which he has responded pretty well.  Although sometimes it seems like he doesn't dislike the timeouts enough...  But usually they are an effective deterrent.  His "naughty" behaviors lately are screaming and general disobedience when I tell him he needs to stop doing something (like stomping on the floor).  I'm not sure what to do with the screaming sometimes, because when he hurts himself, he responds by screaming (anger seems to be his first reaction upon wounding himself, followed by tears).  I don't really feel right putting him in time-out when he hurts himself, but I do want him to understand that screaming is not an appropriate response for stubbing a toe.  We'll work on that. 

36 weeks

Well, it has been a LONG time since I last blogged.  So, I will probably end up doing several posts in a row to make up for lost time.  It turns out it's a lot of work being a pregnant mom to an active toddler who happens to also direct the ward choir (for me, this is more work than the average, I suspect).

My morning sickness has not abated at all during this pregnancy, so I continue to medicate.  Thank you, Vitamin B6 and doxylamine: I would not be the same without you.  I look forward to having a normal appetite and no more queasiness.

This pregnancy has been gloriously complication free, other than the nine months of morning sickness.  We did decide to change providers and go back to the midwives at Shady Grove Hospital where Peter was born.  This was a hard decision to make, as I have always dreamed of having a home birth.  But it just seemed like $1000 was too much to pay out of pocket when we could have a free birth at the hospital.  Yes, I know there are risks of intervention at the hospital.  However, if something should go wrong with the labor, I won't have to transfer, so that is one good thing about the whole switch.  And I do very much love the midwives at Shady Grove.  I just don't so much love that they have to answer to the OB practice with whom they share business.  But I am hopeful for another unmedicated, uncomplicated birth for little Eleanor.

We have decided to name her Eleanor Marilyn.  For some reason I had a difficult time deciding on a middle name, but Chris was insistent it be a family name.  But in the last month or so, I just felt that Eleanor Marilyn would be perfect for our little girl.  We will probably call her Elly (not Ellie, as Chris informs me that he had a family dog with this name and spelling.  This is not the first family dog to spoil a favorite name of ours...ahem...Doug and Melanie...;)   ).

Peter has been so sweet with this pregnancy.  He has been quite the patient little boy, especially early on when his mother was a zombie who had no energy and couldn't be very active in an effort to keep food down.  I'm not sure if he really understands what is growing inside my belly, but we have talked to him at length about the situation.  He affectionately refers to my belly as, "Elly belly," per a fleeting suggestion from Chris at one point.  He constantly wants me to lift up my shirt and touch my belly and asks, "Elly moving?"  He has tried to lift up my shirt in public places, but luckily I have been able to keep covered up.  But he is already quite affectionate with her and snuggles my belly on occasion.  Hopefully he feels the same fondness for her when she actually arrives.

The ladies in the ward threw me a baby shower.  Apparently you are entitled to a baby shower if you are having a baby of a different gender.  We now have a lots of cute little girly things, so I hope that ultrasound tech was right!!  Anyway, there are so many lovely people in this ward and it was a very fun shower.  It makes me sad that we might have to move out of the ward.

Yes, the cigarette smoke and marijuana smoke has proven too much to bear for us.  But more than that, we just feel like it's the right decision to get out of this apartment.  We would like to move closer in so that Chris's commute is shorter, but we also would love to stay in our ward.  Our lease is up at the end of June, so we will know sooner or later where we will be going.  It's not going to be fun at all to move with a newborn.  I'm not sure how I'm going to care for a toddler, a newborn, and pack and clean everything.  It should be interesting, to say the least.

In the meantime, I have approximately four weeks to go (although if we're on Peter's schedule, 2 weeks, yikes!).  I am feeling so much more at peace about this time around.  I know a lot of this has to do with my going through the experience of natural childbirth already.  I know what's coming, and I know how I'm likely going to deal with it, so this makes me feel a lot better.  Of course, there are always the unknowns that are a little scary.  But since those are out of my control, I might as well not worry about them until I have to meet them.  So, I'm just really looking forward to meeting this little girl of ours!

The scary part for me is what happens after she's born.  Right now, Peter gets so much attention from Chris and me.  And he is such a tender-hearted little guy, that I hope his feelings aren't hurt by my divided attention.  So, I am anxious about Peter's transition and my ability to deal with it and help him feel loved.  I imagine it will be somewhat of an adjustment period for us, but I'm hoping it won't be too difficult.  Luckily, I get to have my dad come and visit, so I think this will help Peter for the first week or two.  

Ultrasound pics

So I got these ultrasound pictures ages ago, but I just have neglected to actually post them.  So here they are--the first introduction to little Eleanor. 

 Her little face.  This looks a lot like Peter's ultrasound pic to me.  But perhaps they all look this way.  I haven't studied a lot of ultrasound pics. 

 Her profile.  She looks a little funny in this one, if I'm being honest.  Not quite human.  Does that make me a bad mother for saying so? 

 Her head and body with knees tucked in. 

And her little wave.  So cute! 

The ultrasound tech was pretty much convinced it was a girl, but she told me that they never can say they are 100% positive, even with a boy.  But she didn't seem to be in doubt, nevertheless.  So hopefully Elly's really a girl, because we have a lot of girl stuff now.  Chris was happy to have been right the whole time.  We suspected it might have been due to timing (but that's not really a proven method for gender prediction anyway), but I was mostly suspicious due to my extreme morning sickness as compared with Peter.  I was glad there seemed to be a reason for all the morning sickness, and not that I was getting progressively sicker with each pregnancy.  Although I have heard that each pregnancy is different, no matter what.  But, we are delighted to be expecting a little girl--a little nervous about the emotions and drama associated with girls--but delighted nonetheless.  We hope Peter feels the same when he meets her and gets to know her.  I hope they shall be good friends despite the gender difference. 

Peter at nearly 15 months in Washington

Last October, I visited my parents in Washington with Peter.  It was quite the adventure to take Peter by myself when I was just past the first trimester.  But, we made it, and it was a nice visit.  While we were there, Brian and Ann took some very lovely pictures which haven't posted until now.  Peter is a few months older now, but these are too fun and turned out too great not to post.

It's crazy how red Peter's hair looks in some of these photos.  I used to think he had my hair color, but now I think it might be a mix of Chris's and mine.  Actually, now that he's getting older, I think Peter's whole face is a pretty good mix of both Chris and me.  It's hard to say who he looks more like sometimes.  When he was a little baby, he looked a little more like me.  In these pictures, he looks a little more like Chris.  Now that he's getting older, he's becoming more of a mix. 

He's past the fun stage where he always smiles for the camera.  Oh well.

He looks a little like Chris in this one, I think.

I think I'm trying to keep him from running after the truck...

...as seen in this photo.  I believe it was the Schwan's truck, but he thought it was a bus.  He has long been obsessed with all things vehicular.  Particularly backhoes, since we had a real backhoe in our neighborhood for a few weeks that he got to see in action!  So fun. 

Peter's favorite place to be is outside.  He loves to be a free spirit. 

Very blue eyes in this picture.  Sometimes they look more gray, but then other days more blue like this.

Again, trying to get Peter to stay put for pictures.  Not very successfully, I might add.

And the series with the rocks.  This was the height of his put-everything-in-his-mouth stage.  Fun for him and not fun for Momma.  It does kind of look like he's smelling the rock in this one...

And in it goes...

An odd but cute little expression.  In this one, I imagine him thinking, "heh, heh, Mommy doesn't want me to put rocks in my mouth, but I'm going to try and sneak them in anyway..."

An innocent look at me as he's probably thinking, "Oh, were you talking to me?"

And in this one, he laughs maniacally and thinks, "She can't stop me!  Ha ha ha!"

Very large rock...

And another one...

Oh, my mischievous little man...

'Til We Meet Again

It has been a while since I posted, and I will hopefully catch up on Chris, Peter, and baby Elly news soon. But for now, I wanted to post on my mom.

The past month has been a very difficult one. Chris, Peter and I had the opportunity to fly out to spend the Christmas and New Year’s holidays with my family in Washington. I was so grateful to have a little time with my mom and dad. It has been hard being so far away while my mom was in the last stages of her illness, because all I wanted to do was be spend time with her and my dad help. Chris was so wonderful in helping take care of Peter and playing with him, so I was able to spend time with my parents during my mother’s last few days of life, and be of help in any small way that I could.

It was very touching to me to see the level of love and care that my father gave my mother every day, throughout the day and night. I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed greater love and service in my life, and I’m so happy to know that their love will continue on through the eternities. It has been comforting these past few years to know that she has had the best care she ever could receive.

We didn’t know exactly when Mom was going to go, because she kept having ups and downs. The night before she passed away, she had a really happy night, where she smiled a lot and seemed happier than I’ve seen her in a long time. It seemed a tender mercy of the Lord that her last evening was such a joyful one. The next day, my father and I were with her when she passed peacefully into the next life. I felt so fortunate to be able to be there when she passed, as I've been so far away for so long. It was more difficult than I anticipated to have to say goodbye. I grieved a lot early on when I first learned of her diagnosis, and so I thought I would have been past most of my grieving. But it felt like my grieving began all over again.

I grieve for the loss of such a wonderful mother. She was one of the most loving, talented, wise, and intelligent women I have ever known. Throughout my life, I knew I could always turn to my mother for anything. She was my best friend next to Chris. Before the illness took her ability to speak, she and I spoke on the phone several times a week about everything. She supported me always, through trials that I’ve been through, and celebrated with me during times of joy.

I loved to call her and talk about current events and politics, because she was always so well-informed and I always learned a lot from her. I think it was from her that I grew to love learning and desired to do my best in my studies. She was so encouraging and helped me to succeed in school and with music without pushing and shoving, without any negative reinforcement.

She always was such a wonderful example of spiritual strength and study. She was very knowledgeable about scripture and doctrine, because she spent so much time studying her scriptures and reading. And she lived her testimony of the gospel. I loved our conversations when we would talk about spiritual subjects, because I always gained such strength from her words and her testimony. She had such a ready faith and willingness to put her trust in Heavenly Father, and she has been such an important example to me.

My mother always loved to laugh and had a wonderful appreciation for humor and good fun. Our home was often a place of laughter, and I think one of my favorite memories was having all of us around the table and laughing together at dinner time.

She was multitalented as a calligrapher, cake decorator, singer, pianist, and an amazing cook.

She had such a generous and giving heart. And she loved being a mother. You could always tell that no one was more proud of her kids than Mom. There was nothing that she wouldn’t do for her children to promote our physical, mental, and spiritual growth. She loved her family, and it was clear that her greatest joy was to be with her husband, children, and grandchildren. She told me that one of the greatest moments of her life was to have all of her children with her in the temple when Chris and I got married. It was a very special day, and I remember how joyful my mother was.

If you ask any one of my siblings, we would all probably talk about how our mother instilled the knowledge that we are responsible for our own happiness. From a young age, I was very dramatic girl. I was prone to bouts of melodrama as a preteen, and I thank my mother for helping me out of that stage before my teenage years. She taught me that I was master of my own personal attitude. I could choose to be sulky and irritable, but it was a deliberate choice I was making; she taught me I could always choose to be happy instead. When things became stressful, I learned that I could choose to respond with calmness and an attitude of faith. These are certainly things that she practiced herself, and it has helped me through many, many hard times. Always through her own hard times, she was able to bear them with grace and acceptance, with faith and hope. Even to the end, she remained so positive and grateful for all the good things in her life.

It’s hard to talk about these qualities as separate from my father, because to me, I learned many of these things from him as well. Together, they made a wonderful team. They backed each other on everything. They also shared a great love for one another. It was nice to see growing up that my parents loved each other. They were not afraid to be affectionate in front of the kids, and it made me hope that someday I could find someone with whom I could share such an affection and love. I’m so glad that marriage does not end with death, and that they will be together again, because I can’t imagine a more beautiful union between two people.

One of the hardest things about her illness for me was that I couldn’t communicate my feelings to her. I couldn’t tell her how much I loved her and how much I was going to miss her, and how hard it was for me to see her go through the things she went through. I couldn’t say these things because I knew it would induce tears in both of us. Crying in a person with ALS causes extreme discomfort and pain, and even choking. So, I felt like I had to bottle up all the emotions and personal things that I was going through and deal with them apart from her. Many times I had to leave the room so that I could go and cry. But I didn’t feel like I could do it in front of her. Yes, I still told her I loved her, but I always tried to keep things light and happy. I hope she doesn’t feel I was callous or uncaring or shallow. I hope she knows how much I cared and that I was affected by her illness and the knowledge that I would lose her.

She passed away on the 29th of December, and on Tuesday, January 3, we had her funeral. It was such a beautiful service filled with wonderful talks by my Aunts Liz and Sylvia, Brian, Andrea, and Uncle Glen. The talks were interspersed with beautiful musical numbers by Dan, Brian, the grandkids, and all the siblings with a few grandkids. It was a little emotional, but at the end of the meeting, I felt so uplifted and light and joyful. It couldn't have been a more lovely day and a more perfect way to celebrate my mom.

I will miss her so much. I would have liked for her to meet all the children that I will have. I would have liked to be able to come to her for advice for years to come. I would have liked to continue to enjoy our close friendship. But then I remember that this is not the end—that this life is a small speck of our existence. I will see her again and I’m sure we will resume our friendship and relationship that we had on this earth. I’m grateful for the knowledge that we have of the plan of salvation and for all that our Savior has done for us to take away the sting of death and make our families eternal.